I’m exhausted and run down. My work in erotica and fetish and pornography has taken its toll. I’m burnt out with the whole thing. Moreso than the numerous times before where I would sit in front of this laptop (or some other) and just did NOT want to pull up one more photo or video for editing of some hot sexually-charged scene I had just shot. I’m just beat down by all of it.
But it’s more than just being burnt out from this business. It’s so many different things. I tire of people looking at me sideways or making assumptions about me and my life. I tire of the judgement. I tire, when meeting someone new, that because someone else has said something to them, they’ve already made up in their mind what I’m all about and don’t even TALK to me with any kind of respect. I tire of not being taken seriously.
I tire greatly of selling my “work” in a place that I honestly loathe. I tire of being knee-deep in the fetishistic fantasies of others and having to listen to the things they want to do and what they want to see.
I tire of my fan base being overrun by people looking for sexual stimulants and miss the days when other serious photographers would stop in and be gracious in their comments and feedback.
I miss the art in it.
It’s as if I have had a sturdy coat of armor to protect myself and slowly, with each step I’ve taken in the battle to make a positive change in the world, I’ve found myself fighting on too many fronts. Whether it’s been with media networks (see Flickr/Youtube/Vimeo) or models (over any number of issues) or even friendly and not-so-friendly conflicts with friends (and I DON’T want to cause problems with the people I love and who love me)… I’m weary from the fight and my armor has been reduced to threads.
I strayed from what I know and have shot strictly for business. To meet goals. But the business being built is not one I like. And my larger goals, which are entirely unrelated, are all but lost in it.
In July, I shot Nella (pictured above). When I shot her, it was almost a big “F U” to myself because I knew that there was no monetary value to be gained from shooting her under my business model. But I knew I would get great shots. I knew Nella would be pure art and it would be work that I would be thrilled to put my name on. And that’s exactly what .happened.
Which is why, for now, hers is the last shoot that I am going to publish. It’s art. And I can live comfortably with that. During the 4+ years I’ve been shooting nudes and erotica there was one series of shots I took (in a matter of minutes) that I felt was too good to put online. That the photos shot deserved more than just a digital display. And to this day, no matter what site I’ve run, I’ve never published those few shots. When I shot Nella this last time, I had the exact same experience. I’m sitting on a handful of shots that are just… they are just beyond words.
THAT is what I love. THAT is where I have passion. When I can take a photo that’s just pure absolute art? Yes. Please.
After shooting her, my interest in this business took a straight nosedive. My goal in delving into this business full-force to begin with was to try to make the world a better place. But that isn’t at all what’s happening. Instead, I am simply becoming a peddler of softcore porn and fetish. I’m like a double-agent only nobody know which side I’m fighting on. And nobody really cares. As long as the hits keep coming.
So I’m changing my battle plans. I spend far more of my time thinking about the course of humanity than I do shooting and editing erotica. I’ve placed myself in a box, trying to knock down the walls from within. It’s time for a change.